Dating...

What Dating Naked Can’t Tell You!

The things I’ve done in the name of love may never be understood! 

This message is from the hearts of men and women around the world.

Have you ever been in love? Let’s assume that every adult has had a love experience. What have you done in the name of love? It doesn’t matter how you answer this question, because life is about experiences. Life is about getting some things right and making a bunch of mistakes. If you’re like me, I’m sure that you could share some hilarious, embarrassing, or painful experiences that, in hindsight, were intended for your growth. Personally, I think I have enough of these types of experiences to fill a football field and stadium seats! Okay; that was an exaggeration, but it does seem like that sometimes.

I’m not sure about you, but before I experienced love, I stumbled through dating. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was many years ago! I was literally rolling around on the floor, kicking and screaming, as if I were a five year old deprived of a snack. In my confusion, I couldn't understand why God hadn't sent the perfect helpmate to my front door with a big ole bow around his forehead! Sure, I was young, but it just made sense that I would meet "Mr. Right". Then, the dating process began. As I started to see characteristics I prayed for in different people, I just wanted to take it all back and ask God for a do-over. I know you’ve heard the saying, “be careful what you ask for”. 

Unintentional Dating Disaster:   

If you’ve never said that someone you dated had daddy or mommy issues, surely you’ve thought it.  While that statement can mean many things, I think there is a general definition understood by many.  The phrase suggests that dysfunction has developed within a person, because of the person’s relationship with his/her mother or father.  This isn’t totally true, but it’s not totally wrong.  Early psychologists studied how attachment between caregivers and infants and/or toddlers significantly influences relationships in adulthood.  It’s really about how safe and cared for infants and toddlers feel with their caregivers.  If infants and toddlers feel secure and well protected by their caregivers then, they respond in a healthy way when their caregivers leave and/or reunite with them.  Experiences that take place in our infant or toddler stage have lasting effects.  Simply put, if we experience a healthy connection with our primary caregiver early on, then there is a high probability that our intimate relationships will be healthy.  Subsequently, where we experience broken or unhealthy bonds early on, it’s sure to show throughout our adult relationships in different ways. How do you respond when you are apart from your significant other?  If you perceive your significant other to be inattentive to your needs, what do you do?  Do you sit by the telephone waiting on him/her to call?  These types of questions are helpful in understanding how your attachment needs influence your relationships.

Now, keep in mind that circumstances and experiences may influence our personalities, in addition to our early attachment with caregivers.  Just for good measure, I’ve included some general examples of how and where non-secure/unhealthy attachments may be observed in adulthood.  

Anger (general) Emotional distress Domestic Violence

Marriage & Family/Couples issues Relationship problems Child-Parent/Parent-Child problems

Remember, a person's finances and physical attractiveness can’t tell you everything you need to know about his/her attachment issues.  Neither can a few fun dating experiences give you the insight you need to make informed dating decisions.  Are you wondering how you can enjoy dating without it ending disastrously?  

Awareness Works Wonders

On reality shows like, VH1’s, Dating Naked or, Bravo’s, Millionaire Match Maker, participants don’t get the opportunity to really evaluate the other person because they have cameras pointing in their faces.  Most of us don’t live our lives out on television.   Our reality is the only reality that matters.  We can’t operate the how reality show participants or celebrities operate.  So how should we operate in the dating world?  If I could tell my younger self anything about dating and relationships, I’d probably say, “Pay attention to everything and question the things that don’t feel right”!  We rarely trust people to tell us the truth about ourselves because we don’t actually want to hear it.  It may seem scary or frustrating, but becoming more aware of your behaviors and relationship patterns will work wonders.  Make note of any problematic patterns and get yourself a good support system.  If you’re introspective person, then you’ll probably benefit from a great self-help book, journaling, seeking therapy, or going out with friends for drinks to talking it out!  If not, don’t worry!  Being more aware of yourself doesn’t require vigorous action.  Start with being more attentive to your feelings and your behavior patterns.  Try to be deliberate in your dating by gathering information about the other person before deciding to commit.  Observe his/her other close relationships with family and friends.  Pay attention to how he/she responds to conflict.    In addition to becoming more aware of your dating patterns and behaviors, be sure to evaluate if you’re dating relationship is a healthy one!  Check out the links for power and control/equality relationship wheels for a self-assessment starting point.

  Maximize The Top 5: 
            Dating or Marriage

Do you have a checklist that you use for your dating dos and don’ts?  Of course, there are many factors involved in establishing healthy dating relationships and marriages.  I’ve identified five core components that may be a great starting point for those in the dating world or a good grounding place for married couples!

1.  Be Open – Be open to all possibilities.  There is no formula for love and you cannot perfect a relationship.  Healthy relationships start with compatibility.  There is a possibility that you may develop an interest in someone and his/her feelings may not be mutual or vice versa.  We can’t always avoid something like that from happening, but be aware that it happens.  Also, it is rather self-explanatory, but try to avoid pursuing a relationship if there is a lack of compatibility.  We cannot change people; nor should we want to change people.  If you are single and you can envision your ideal mate in your head…let that go!  If you are married, be opened to the possibility that we all evolve and your mate and his/her needs may change.

2.  Be Inviting – Smile often and be friendly because kindness goes far!  With that being said, maintain healthy boundaries throughout your relationships, not just physical boundaries.  When you allow others to share your space, you open yourself up to their energy.  Be mindful about who you invite into you spiritual, physical, and mental space.  An inviting demeanor allows room for the dating relationship to grow.  Gauge how things progress and share what you are comfortable sharing bit by bit with your dating interest.  Now, if you’re married, remember you and your spouse should have boundaries too.  If you treat your next-door neighbor better than your spouse, that is a red flag.  Invite you mate into your circle with authentic moments of kindness, even when it’s hard to do.

3.  Be Vulnerable – The best-kept secret to living a healthy life is being vulnerable.  One of my new favorite authors, Brene Brown, did a great piece on vulnerability.  I’ve linked her video for you to check it out. Sharing your greatest discomforts, shame experiences, and fears with the right person, at the right time, will bring you two closer together.  It can also be very freeing.  Usually, one person, if not both people in a dating or marital relationship thinks that they are holding on to their feeling of anger, shame, and guilt because they don’t want to burden the other person.  When you stifle vulnerability, you slowly suffocate the life of a potentially healthy relationship. 

4.  Be Honest – Be honest about what you need, what you want, and what you can offer in a dating relationship or marriage.  No one is perfect, but you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re settling for a situation that you don’t think is good for you.  Practice honesty with yourself.  Think about what you’ve been avoiding or are too afraid to address.  What are some internal or external issues you have, if any?  Remember, you can’t expect anyone to love you, if you don’t love yourself.  Think about this.  How do you feel when someone you care about and trust lies to you?  It’s always felt crappy to me!  So, minimize the likelihood of a crash and burn situation by exercising honesty. 

5.  Be Ready – Be ready for whatever comes next! Be ready to move forward or move on, because lingering in a situation that has already exceeded its life expectancy can be very dangerous.  If you’ve made it this far, there are two options to consider: 1) You can leave and live a fully satisfying life, or 2) you can cleave and conceive.  Leaving an unhealthy situation doesn’t mean you’re destined to be alone for eternity.  It means that you are brave and bold enough not to give up on yourself.  On the other hand, cleaving may yield great things!  This is when you know that you are exactly where you want to be and grow, as an individual, as a couple, and as a family unit.  Be ready for what’s next and embrace it.

 Until next time, live on purpose. Life gets better.℠

Bibliography:

Everett Waters, J. C. (2002). Bowlby's secure base theory and the social/personality psychology of attachment styles: work(s) in progress. Attachment and Human Development , 230-242.

Mooney, C. G. (2010). Theories of attachment: an introduction to Bowlby, Ainsworth, Gerber, Brazelton, Kennell, and Klaus. St. Paul: Redleaf Press.

Guest Editor: M. E. Maness

Photos courtesy of J. Hall

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