What Dating Naked Can’t Tell You!
The things I’ve done in the name of love may never be understood!
This message is from the hearts of men and women
around the world.
Have you ever been in love? Let’s assume that every adult has had a love experience. What have you done in the name of love? It doesn’t matter how you answer this question, because life is about experiences. Life is about getting some things right and making a bunch of mistakes. If you’re like me, I’m sure that you could share some hilarious, embarrassing, or painful experiences that, in hindsight, were intended for your growth. Personally, I think I have enough of these types of experiences to fill a football field and stadium seats! Okay; that was an exaggeration, but it does seem like that sometimes.
I’m not sure about you, but before I experienced love, I stumbled through dating. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was many years ago! I was literally rolling around on the floor, kicking and screaming, as if I were a five year old deprived of a snack. In my confusion, I couldn't understand why God hadn't sent the perfect helpmate to my front door with a big ole bow around his forehead! Sure, I was young, but it just made sense that I would meet "Mr. Right". Then, the dating process began. As I started to see characteristics I prayed for in different people, I just wanted to take it all back and ask God for a do-over. I know you’ve heard the saying, “be careful what you ask for”.
Unintentional
Dating Disaster:
If you’ve never
said that someone you dated had daddy or mommy issues, surely you’ve thought
it. While that statement can mean many
things, I think there is a general definition understood by many. The phrase suggests that
dysfunction has developed within a person, because of the person’s relationship
with his/her mother or father. This
isn’t totally true, but it’s not totally wrong.
Early psychologists studied how attachment between caregivers and
infants and/or toddlers significantly influences relationships in
adulthood. It’s really about how safe
and cared for infants and toddlers feel with their caregivers. If infants and toddlers feel secure and well
protected by their caregivers then, they respond in a healthy way when their
caregivers leave and/or reunite with them.
Experiences that take place in our infant or toddler stage have lasting
effects. Simply put, if we experience a
healthy connection with our primary caregiver early on, then there is a high
probability that our intimate relationships will be healthy. Subsequently, where we experience broken or
unhealthy bonds early on, it’s sure to show throughout our adult relationships
in different ways. How do you respond when you are apart from your significant
other? If you perceive your significant
other to be inattentive to your needs, what do you do? Do you sit by the telephone waiting on
him/her to call? These types of
questions are helpful in understanding how your attachment needs influence your
relationships.
Now, keep in
mind that circumstances and experiences may influence our personalities, in
addition to our early attachment with caregivers. Just for good measure, I’ve included some general
examples of how and where non-secure/unhealthy attachments may be observed in
adulthood.
Anger (general)
Emotional distress
Domestic Violence
|
Marriage & Family/Couples issues
Relationship problems
Child-Parent/Parent-Child problems
|
Remember, a person's finances
and physical attractiveness can’t tell you everything you need to know about
his/her attachment issues. Neither can a
few fun dating experiences give you the insight you need to make informed
dating decisions. Are you wondering how you can enjoy dating
without it ending disastrously?
Awareness Works Wonders
On reality shows
like, VH1’s, Dating Naked or, Bravo’s, Millionaire Match Maker, participants
don’t get the opportunity to really evaluate the other person because they have
cameras pointing in their faces. Most of
us don’t live our lives out on television.
Our reality is the only reality that matters. We can’t operate the how reality show
participants or celebrities operate. So
how should we operate in the dating world?
If I could tell my
younger self anything about dating and relationships, I’d probably say, “Pay
attention to everything and question the things that don’t feel right”! We rarely trust people to tell us the truth
about ourselves because we don’t actually want to hear it. It may seem scary or frustrating, but
becoming more aware of your behaviors and relationship patterns will work wonders. Make note of any problematic patterns and get
yourself a good support system. If
you’re introspective person, then you’ll probably benefit from a great
self-help book, journaling, seeking therapy, or going out with friends for
drinks to talking it out! If not, don’t
worry! Being more aware of yourself
doesn’t require vigorous action. Start
with being more attentive to your feelings and your behavior patterns. Try to be deliberate in your dating by gathering
information about the other person before deciding to commit. Observe his/her other close relationships
with family and friends. Pay attention
to how he/she responds to conflict. In addition to becoming more aware of your
dating patterns and behaviors, be sure to evaluate if you’re dating
relationship is a healthy one! Check out
the links for power and control/equality relationship
wheels for a self-assessment starting point.
Maximize
The Top 5:
Dating or Marriage
Dating or Marriage
Do you have a checklist that you use for
your dating dos and don’ts? Of course,
there are many factors involved in establishing healthy dating relationships
and marriages. I’ve identified five core
components that may be a great starting point for those in the dating world or
a good grounding place for married couples!
1. Be Open – Be open to all
possibilities. There is no formula for
love and you cannot perfect a relationship.
Healthy relationships start with compatibility. There is a possibility that you may develop
an interest in someone and his/her feelings may not be mutual or vice
versa. We can’t always avoid something
like that from happening, but be aware that it happens. Also, it is rather self-explanatory, but try
to avoid pursuing a relationship if there is a lack of compatibility. We cannot change people; nor should we want
to change people. If you are single and
you can envision your ideal mate in your head…let that go! If you are married, be opened to the
possibility that we all evolve and your mate and his/her needs may change.
2. Be Inviting – Smile often and be friendly
because kindness goes far! With that
being said, maintain healthy boundaries throughout your relationships, not just
physical boundaries. When you allow
others to share your space, you open yourself up to their energy. Be mindful about who you invite into you
spiritual, physical, and mental space. An
inviting demeanor allows room for the dating relationship to grow. Gauge how things progress and share what you
are comfortable sharing bit by bit with your dating interest. Now, if you’re married, remember you and your
spouse should have boundaries too. If
you treat your next-door neighbor better than your spouse, that is a red
flag. Invite you mate into your circle
with authentic moments of kindness, even when it’s hard to do.
3. Be Vulnerable – The best-kept secret to
living a healthy life is being vulnerable.
One of my new favorite authors, Brene Brown, did a great piece on
vulnerability. I’ve linked her video for
you to check it out. Sharing your greatest discomforts, shame experiences, and
fears with the right person, at the right time, will bring you two closer
together. It can also be very freeing. Usually, one person, if not both people in a
dating or marital relationship thinks that they are holding on to their feeling
of anger, shame, and guilt because they don’t want to burden the other
person. When you stifle vulnerability,
you slowly suffocate the life of a potentially healthy relationship.
4. Be Honest – Be honest about what you need,
what you want, and what you can offer in a dating relationship or
marriage. No one is perfect, but you
shouldn’t have to feel like you’re settling for a situation that you don’t
think is good for you. Practice honesty
with yourself. Think about what you’ve
been avoiding or are too afraid to address.
What are some internal or external issues you have, if any? Remember, you can’t expect anyone to love
you, if you don’t love yourself. Think about
this. How do you feel when someone you
care about and trust lies to you? It’s
always felt crappy to me! So, minimize
the likelihood of a crash and burn situation by exercising honesty.
5. Be Ready – Be ready for whatever comes
next! Be ready to move forward or move on, because lingering in a situation
that has already exceeded its life expectancy can be very dangerous. If you’ve made it this far, there are two
options to consider: 1) You can leave and live a fully satisfying life, or 2)
you can cleave and conceive. Leaving an
unhealthy situation doesn’t mean you’re destined to be alone for eternity. It means that you are brave and bold enough
not to give up on yourself. On the other
hand, cleaving may yield great things! This
is when you know that you are exactly where you want to be and grow, as an
individual, as a couple, and as a family unit.
Be ready for what’s next and embrace it.
Until next time, live on purpose. Life
gets better.℠
Bibliography:
Everett Waters, J. C. (2002). Bowlby's secure base theory and the
social/personality psychology of attachment styles: work(s) in progress. Attachment
and Human Development , 230-242.
Mooney, C. G. (2010). Theories of attachment: an introduction to
Bowlby, Ainsworth, Gerber, Brazelton, Kennell, and Klaus. St.
Paul: Redleaf Press.
Guest Editor: M. E. Maness
Photos courtesy of J. Hall
